thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
