Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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