hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Randomize
