guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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