I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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