Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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