she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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