the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
