I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
