Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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