Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
you didnt know i had herpes?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
