i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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