I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Why is there bacon in the couch?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
