he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
