i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
