I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
