At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
he shaved USA in his pubs
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
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