you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
