I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize