There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
