i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
