does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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