I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize