I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize