Say something about gay babies.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
