Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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