Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
