omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
