Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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