She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
