Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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