how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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