never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
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