I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Randomize