We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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