the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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