He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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