Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
So many bounce houses so little time
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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