i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
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