I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
