I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Randomize
