Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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