I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
