I'm pants shitting drunk right now
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
