I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
