ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
