I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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