apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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