You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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