nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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