Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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