I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize