I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize