party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
