just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
