my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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