I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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