if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
