this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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