Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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