i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
