i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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