"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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