God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
