I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
